Hey there!
We're talking about self-sabotage this week. And I'm coming to you with a personal story today because you could say I'm...familiar with the concept.
So, grab your morning beverage and join me here for a couple of minutes.
In my last email, we talked about how self-sabotage doesn't technically exist. It's just a deeply misguided form of self-love.
And, oh boy, have I been learning that lesson the long way when it comes to my sleep pattern.
***Do be warned, this is not a tale of triumph over sabotage. We are very much in the thick of it, trusting the process and figuring it out.
Now, I haven't been listening to a whole lot of music lately, but I've been OBSESSED with Hozier's Too Sweet.
Ever since I heard it in about 800 Instagram reels, it got under my skin in the most delicious way, and I could not get it out of my head. So, I listened to it in full another 800 times... and counting.
I’m a lyrics person when it comes to music. I will listen to the stupidest song if I resonate with one lyric. This is one of many reasons I despise techno. But let’s go back to my Too Sweet obsession.
It's been a while since a song has consumed me so fully. I believe that whenever something hits home, there’s a good reason, and we need to pay attention to it. On the surface, Too Sweet seems to be about a guy who really doesn't want to go to bed early. And that's about as deep as I need to go with it.
As someone who does take her whiskey neat, her coffee black, and her bed... unfortunately at 3, if I'm lucky, I RELATE.
It's been a while since a song has consumed me so fully. And I am of the belief that whenever something hits home - there's a good reason. And we need to pay attention to it.
Now, on the surface, Too Sweet seems to be about a guy who really doesn't want to go bed early. And, honestly, that's as deep as I need to go with this.
Because as someone who actually does take her whiskey neat, her coffee black and her bed...unfortunately...at 3, if I'm lucky - I felt that.
The Late-Night Struggle Is Reel
I’m not really interested in living a pristine lifestyle just to stroke my spiritual ego. I’ve been too close to orthorexia and am still undoing its consequences. So, the coffee and moderate drinks are staying. But the bed at 3 and wacky sleep schedule? I’ve been trying to let that one go for a long time.
It’s one of my most stubborn habits, and despite knowing it would solve 60% of my current problems and make me feel better, I haven’t made significant long-term headway.
It Can’t Be Said I’m An Early Bird…
But I really want to be!
I love the feeling of going to bed early and waking up early. It feels rebellious to go to bed when I could be doing more things. But sustaining it has been a challenge.
I’ve considered giving up and embracing the night owl life, but it doesn’t sit right with me. My work-life-health balance begs for an earlier bedtime.
I’ve been caught between the parts of me that want to go to bed early and wake up early, and the parts that want to stay up deep into the night. This struggle has been ongoing, but it’s gotten intense this past year. Everyone who knows me knows about my bedtime struggle.
I have a lot of “Go to bed” alarms on my phone that I eventually delete, humbly accepting it’s not going to happen. It’s not that I can’t fall asleep; it’s that I don’t go to sleep. Sometimes it works, and I find myself asleep by 1:30 (which is my definition of early).
But then the night owl in me fights back hard, and I’m up in bed doing nothing of import until the birds wake up, thinking, “What the hell happened?”
Making Sense of the Inner Resistance
20-year-old me would quote Freud and say I’m just self-destructive—a grandiose, self-hating artist. 29-year-old me, who has done inner healing work and become a self-love and relationship coach, knows that’s a cop-out. I have no problem going to bed at a reasonable hour when the path is clear and there is no inner resistance.
So, I set out to find the resistance and hear it out. Let me say right off the bat—there are many different kinds of resistance. It’s not just one part of me. There’s everything from revenge bedtime procrastination while hosting guests to childhood wounds, limiting beliefs, my Chiron in Virgo, fear of success, an old identity, and unprocessed feelings.
So, that’s been fun—playing whack-a-mole with my baggage. Each time I think I find the root cause and address it, another one pops up and says, “Surprise!” As frustrating as it gets, I genuinely enjoy this kind of self-exploration and parts work. It’s why I love my job so much.
This is How It Goes Sometimes
Every layer I’ve uncovered in my quest to go to bed on time has revealed precious information about my inner life—tender sadness that needs to be held, a sweet little child who’s lost and afraid, a poet in need of a voice, a pilgrim way out of her comfort zone, a wild woman terrified of losing her fire, a potential life that needs to be mourned. And so many beliefs that need to be shed.
Each of these parts enriches me. They tell me where I’m still hurting and what I need. With this knowledge and clarity, each brings me closer to my ultimate goals and heart’s desires. And they’re all keeping me up way past my bedtime!
Habits Are Complex
Sometimes, changing a habit is as simple as - just going to bed a bit earlier…
But when you have a pervasive habit you just can’t shed, no matter which magic life hack you apply, it usually means that a lot of inner parts have skin in the game. This habit is meeting different needs and/or you’re afraid of making that change for various reasons. As much as it sucks, you may have to address them all individually.
But this is good news! It means you are way more complex and fascinating than you might believe. It also means you have a lot of inner parts who care about you enough to want to protect you. They just need a bit of loving guidance from you.
Trusting the Process
If you, too, find yourself in the grip of self-sabotage, I want you to know that IT’S OKAY.
I would be setting myself up for some pretty bad imposter syndrome if I pretended that I’m fully healed, have all my shit together, and never get in my own way anymore. HA! I wish. That would be way too sweet for me.
Self-love mastery is not about becoming flawless. It’s about learning to address the sabotage when it comes up with understanding, grace, and compassion. This way, you know where the problem is coming from and what you need to do to actually solve it.
That is where I’m at right now. Figuring it out as I go along.
Hozier as My Doorway
Okay, honestly. Hozier did NOT help with my bedtime dilemma. In fact, I think that song inspired me to stay up even later for those first three nights.
But it did shed light on something I needed to see.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to you guessed it to Too Sweet again while taking out the recycling on my way to my friends house.
I was totally vibing to it. Twilight. Street lamps. Wind in my hair.
And the song and the evening brought up feelings of a younger me. Far more lost, far less mature and more disconnected me. But a more creatively active me.
That me lived a more bohemian (bourgeois bohemian, let’s be real), night-heavy life. There was even a period where I dreaded the break of day because drunken nights felt like the only times I could actually open my heart and connect. A lot of poems came out of that. A lot of plays.
I swear, if I had heard this song back then, I would have CLAIMED it!
Getting Back Into It
A couple of years ago, I stepped away from a career in theatre because it was not aligned with me anymore. And I would not want to go back to that night-heavy time. I wasn't happy then.
But in that choice to step away, I also went “no-contact” with art in general. I needed to be away from it for a while, to experience myself without it. It had not been intentional. It just sort of happened.
And I guess, I've been missing it.
I've been longing for more art and creative expression in my life, but I wasn’t giving it to myself because I didn’t feel ready for it.
Becoming someone who goes to bed early, wakes up early, and has a more consistent schedule on top of that unmet need felt like completely cutting myself off from a version of me who has art in her life. And that did not feel right.
So, that part of me found expression through Hozier's song and kept yelling at me in the voice of the guy who doesn't want to go to bed before 3.
So, What Do We Do With This Knowledge?
The answer isn’t to stay up until 5 AM to stay connected to an old me.
Nor is it to find myself drunk at a party I will later regret.
Nor is it to jump ship and pursue a life and career I don’t really want anymore.
It’s to bring a bit more art into my waking life. To make time for music, film, reading, poetry, and whatever form of creative expression calls to me—during the day. And also to let myself appreciate and mourn that old identity for a bit.
Sometimes, we need to properly say goodbye to a version of ourselves we’re no longer aligned with to fully embody the one we’re becoming.
It’s a bittersweet, beautiful process. If you’re going through it now, let yourself. You’re not being weird and dramatic; you’re being real, and I’m cheering you on from here.
In Ongoing Conclusion...
Did art and crying solve my sleep self-sabotage problem? No, they did not. There's a lot more to it than that, and we’re going to have to whack a few more moles to figure it out. But bringing art back into my life in little ways did start to nourish a part of me that had been hungry. And now, I have one more part of me who is cared for and one less reason to stay up till the early birds start waking up.
I hope you enjoyed this foray into my late-night self-sabotage and that it gave you something to bounce your own exploration off of.
If you find yourself stopping every time you take a big step forward, know that what you’re going through is a normal part of the road. Honestly, sometimes it is the whole damn road.
Starting. Stopping. Going back. Charting the course all over again. Setting out. Breaking down. Readjusting. Taking a wrong turn. Then getting it right and riding smooth and free for a while.
You’re doing good, and I’m proud of you for bothering to do it at all. I know it gets really hard and annoying at times, but I promise you, it’s so worth it.
Take care.
Need A Bit of Support?
If you find that you need a bit of support and guidance with this process, you can sign up for a Breakthrough Session with me, where we will figure out where your inner sabotage is coming from and work through it so that you can move towards your goal with greater ease and confidence.
I offer these 1-hour coaching sessions on Thursdays and Fridays. This week's availability:
Thursday, June 20 (2 pm - 5 pm Yerevan Time)
Friday, June 21 (4 - 6 pm Yerevan Time)
SIGN UP HERE
"If therapy is too much pressure for you, but you still want to understand yourself and your feelings better, Noemi's coaching sessions are perfect for you." - Nane
"You would not believe it, but I reinvented myself with her help. We dug so deep that I found the roots of my problems. I stopped watering those roots. I cut them off. Noemi helped me to see me through her eyes. She became the best coach I could ask for. She was never rude or standing still on her opinion - she was guiding me patiently and professionally to the point I needed to get." - Anahit
"The coaching session with Noemi was really helpful, as she created a peaceful and friendly atmosphere where I could easily express my thoughts and articulate my emotions. Noemi's comments and advice were also super helpful. I absolutely recommend Noemi's sessions to anyone who wants to start a difficult but deeply rewarding journey to oneself." - Elena
And if you have any questions about the program, please feel free to reach out via email or Instagram. I'll be happy to answer them.
With love,
Noemi
